The pregnant fullness of life

I’m not pregnant. But the fullness of life is feeling so full that the pregnant adjective (full of meaning; significant or suggestive) just felt right.

Life feels full when you watch your ex-boyfriend’s music video, recorded in Ashland, where you used to live. Seeing him succeed, seeing him follow his dream of pursuing music while really understanding what that means for him, what he’s struggled with to get there, means so much to me. Knowing that he is so happy right now, with his current partner and with his pursuit of music, is indescribably full. All the complexities that come along with that. All the thoughts and memories and feelings that come from watching a short video.

Life really is just continuing along in Ashland, isn’t it? While I’m up here creating an entirely new life. I’m realizing I’m already becoming unrecognizable to myself. The Alaska Sara doesn’t recognize the Ashland Sara, is starting to forget her. And then I see a video of my friends eating chips and salsa the way they always have and Ashland Sara explodes onto the scene.

And I don’t miss that Ashland Sara. I like where and how I’m growing. I feel deep, continuous joy in Alaska, something I didn’t feel in Ashland. I felt lost in Ashland. I see now, in hindsight, how often I felt deeply sad in Ashland. Unrooted, clinging to outside validation, stumbling along blindly. Is this just what your early- to mid-twenties is all about? Is it an age thing or a place thing?

I do miss my Ashland family. I do not miss Ashland. These two feelings were interplaying while watching Henry and Gaur play music on the stoop, while watching Jenika hold her bass, while watching Kimee eating pizza.

This thought has been rumbling around in me: life does not get “better” by my decisions or my actions, life gets better by what I choose to accept. If I accept more, life is better, life is more, life is fuller. Accept, then decide if you want to or can change the situation. An acceptance-based approach to decision-making or to life-orienting is more congruent with life’s natural flow, it is easier, it takes less energy, it is more harmonious.

You might think: but I can’t accept this situation (e.g. abusive relationship, unfulfilling job, dog that chews everything, our current political environment, etc.). The unacceptance creates the friction. Accept what is happening in the current moment, and then from that place decide what you can do to change the situation, if you’d like. Accept you are being abused in your relationship, then with that clarity reach out for support. Accept that your job is unfulfilling, then with that clarity begin to troubleshoot how you can improve your situation. Acceptance brings you the natural ability to discern.

“Acceptance is a small, quiet room” – Cheryl Strayed

Does this post get the prize for “Most Disorganized” and “Highest Rate of Rambling” and “Not Sure What She’s Really Getting At”? I think so. You can watch Henry’s video here: Shakin’ the Bush.

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